All of the Lights
by Usnac
Summary: There are people who wear their hearts upon their sleeves. You can read them, like an open book. Their faces showing traces of happiness, sadness, anger. Telling you exactly which mood they are in. You never have to second guess because they make it easy for you. And then, there is Quinn.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: enjoy!** **  
Also, English is not my first language so all grammar, spelling and especially punctual mistakes are mine.** **  
**

**All of the Lights**  
 _ **  
Starting from the bottom**_

 _"Hey, are you okay?", a five year old Quinn asks, her little eyebrows scrunched together, kneeling in front of a bleeding Latina._ __

 _"I'm fine," a little Santana replies "it doesn't even hurt, it's just a tiny scratch," her voice quivers, her tiny hands fisting the hem of her shirt "it'll stop bleeding any second."_

 _The blondes frown deepens, "are you sure ? Your knee looks pretty bad, did you fall ?"_

 _"Yeah, I fell off of the swing," Santana chokes out, "it doesn't even really hurt."_

 _The blonde takes a long look at the brunettes face. It's obvious, even for a little kid, that the brunette is in pain._

 _"It's okay to cry you know. My mommy told me that if you're hurting really badly it's okay to cry."_

 _So, the brunette cries._ __

 _The blonde lets her be._

 _Little Quinn asks a few minutes later in a tentative voice, "does it still hurt so badly ?"_

 _"No," the little Latin girl replies, breathing easier than a few minutes ago, "it doesn't hurt so much anymore."_ __

 _The blonde smiles a smile so big that it has the brunette smiling too._

 _"Can we be friends now ?", the blonde asks in hope with big sparkling eyes._

 _"Best Friends," the brunette replies cheekily.  
_

 _ **  
And I try to hide but i just can't hide no more**_

She doesn't know when it happened. It wasn't a special moment. There was no boom, no fireworks shooting out of nowhere, telling her things she was afraid of dealing with. It was more like a drown out process, years of unnoticed moments leading her to this.

Standing in front of a mirror, eyes glassy and red from tears she's been trying to suppress, and a scary amount of alcohol running through her veins, while people are cheering and laughing animatedly just a few feet downstairs, Santana realizes that throughout years of friendship, she fell in love with her best friend.

There is no other reasonable explanation for the way she's been acting just moments ago. No excuse to justify the slap. _Blame it on the alcohol_ , she thought for a moment,  
 _Maybe they'll believe it._

S _he won't_ , a voice taunts.

"Fuck," Santana mutters to her reflection "what did you do you idiot," whipping her nose with her sleeve.

"Santana?" a soft knock and an apprehensive voice calls out from the other side of the door, startling Santana.

"I know you're in there. Please open up."  
 _  
It's her._

The one the brunette has been trying to not think about, that way. The one who's taking her breath away just with one look. Someone who's so beautiful with her thick blonde hair, her hazel eyes, her pinky lips. Quinn, who doesn't even know how beautiful she truely is, Quinn who doesn't even have to try.

"Please San, open up. _Please_ ," Quinn whimpers out, leaning her forehead against the door.

And Santana knows exactly that the blonde is trying not to cry. She knows from her strangled voice, years of friendship, years of secret glances, years of being in love with her so deeply that she memorized every little detail about her tells her so much.

There are people who wear their hearts upon their sleeves. You can read them, like an open book. Their faces showing traces of happiness, sadness, anger. Telling you exactly which mood they are in. You never have to second guess because they make it easy for you.

And then, there is Quinn.  
Quinn's never been one who's shown many emotions. Her body language, her face, her voice never betraying her. She perfectionized indifference. It's her game with one simple rule.  
 _Never show emotions or you'll lose_.  
So, the rare moments the blonde shows real feelings Santana knows it's serious. Sometimes your body betrays you. The thing you exactly don't want to do is the thing you're body does.

Perhaps, that's why the brunette has always been weak for Quinn's tears because they come so rarely.  
Or perhaps, it's because she exactly knows how it feels to bottle it up until it blows up in you're face.

Just as the Latina hears quiets sobs she opens the door, not having the strength to push the blonde away much longer.

 _Damn those hazel eyes._

"San," the blonde breaths out, her hands instantly reaching to Santana's face to whip away the black mascara smudges.

The skin contact is too much for Santana's alcohol clouded brain. The blondes hands swiping across her cheeks are burning her. The blondes never faltering gaze is captivating the brunette. Her soft and simple touch is hurting. Having Quinn this close is too much for Santana to handle, especially while not being in the right state of mind, so for once she tries to do the right thing. She doesn't want to lash out, doesn't want to be faced with questions she's not ready dealing with and hurt the girl in front of her during that process.

Santana stops Quinn's movements ready to step around her, knowing that she'll be able to breath again but the blonde won't bulge. Just like Santana, Quinn also decides that for the first time she'll do the right thing too.  
Quinn won't allow Santana to run away from her any longer which she's been constantly doing these last few weeks.  
She won't allow the brunette to insult her with cruel words every time they share a moment together, won't allow her any longer to pretend she's not home when Quinn knows that she is leaning against the door, listening to the blonde begging her to let her in, _in more ways than one_.

These past few weeks all Quinn's been doing is reaching out only to be pushed farther away.  
She won't allow the brunette to hurt herself while hurting her too.

So for once she decides to confront the brunette, hoping it won't backfire.

The blonde blocks Santana's ways and pushes her determinately but still with a soft touch back in to the bathroom.  
Locking the door and taking a deep breath Quinn turns back to the brunette only to be met with the Latinas angry gaze.

"We need to talk," the blonde rasps out.

"What about?"

Ignorance.

 _So this is how we're going to do it_ , the blonde thinks

"You know exactly what about San," the blonde replies softly.

"What happened, S ?" the blonde asks "why did you flip out like that ?"

The brunette panics she can't handle this right now.  
 _Come on, think Santana_ the brunette tells herself.  
 _Think of something she'll believe. Maybe you can tell her that you mistaked her for Brittany. Maybe you really can blame it on the alcohol you're an angry drunk, as they say. Or maybe for once you can tell her the truth;  
But you can't really to that, right?  
_  
"What do you think happened, Q ?", the Latina snaps "hmm, what do you think? I know you're stupid, considering you would kiss a jerk like him but you can't be -that/ stupid now, can you Quinn ?", the brunette almost yells, her earlier decision of controlling her temper long forgotten.

Quinn closes her eyes. Compared to Santana she won't snap back, she won't give the brunette what she expects.

"I care about you so much," Quinn breathes out,"you're my best friend."

"Puck," Santana starts "is a lousy choice Q you're too good for him. He's not enough, he'll never be enough for you."

"You have Brittany," Quinn cuts her off "you have a girlfriend. I'm allowed to have someone too."

"But not him!" , the Latina yells out "not him Quinn. You just said minutes ago that I'm your best friend and as you're best friend I'm telling you, you don't want to get involved with someone like him."

"But this is about more than being my best friend, isn't Santana?", the blonde replies.

The look on Santana's face is a mix of anger and hurt. The Latina didn't expect the blonde to be this bold. This past few months they successfully ignored this looming question.  
They ignored the stolen glances, the deep eye contact, the little things.

Santana closes her eyes, takes a deep breath and braces herself just as much as Quinn for the words she'll say the next second.

"Wow, Quinn" the brunette breathes out, opening her eyes but avoiding looking into the blondes hazel ones. Hesitating a moment she continues "I could never love someone as damaged as you."

The hurt on Quinn's face is instant. It hits right where it's supposed to be. The impact of the brunettes words wounding her in the most painful way, weighting down on her lungs, making it almost impossible for the blonde to breath. For someone who's always been able to hide her emotions, the blondes eyes betray her.

Santana knows that she won't be able to take this back but she panicked. She's scared, petrified even. Quinn's been the only constant in the brunettes life, the only one who stuck up with her bitchy attitude, the only one who looked past her flaws and imperfections, past her brokenness. Quinn is the only one who's able to destroy her. So, the brunette panicked and lashed out.

She know she should apologize. She knows, judging by the tears on Quinn's cheeks that she hurt the blonde, deeply. But she's stubborn. She's stubborn and scared and wasted.

The moment Quinn releases the doorknob Santana's already on her way out, the blondes gaze haunting her.

"You know what San?", the blonde calls out not expecting the brunette to turn around but to listen.  
"you're a _terrible_ liar."

Santana stops, doesn't turn around to face the blonde but, as expected, listens.

Holding her head higher and sniffling the Latina walks out the door leaving Quinn alone in the bathroom, sobbing. 

**TBC ?  
Maybe..**

 **Yeah, probably !**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: flashbacks are in italics** **  
**  
 _ **I lost my heart, I lost my mind**_ **  
**  
 _  
_ _"I think I'm gay, Quinn.", Santana confesses for the first time ever. It's not a secret that she and Brittany are hooking up on a constant basis but there is a difference between fooling around and admitting that you are in fact gay._ __

 _"You 'think'?", the blonde replies amused with a teasing smile on her face._ __

 _The brunette laughs._ __

 _"No, I am", the Latina answers her eyebrows scrunching together, eyes flashing with fear, waiting for Quinn to reply._ __

 _Several seconds, that feel a lot like hours to Santana pass, till the blonde looks her in the eye and breaths out, "okay."_ __

 _"Okay?", the Latina asks surprised "that's all you have to say?"_ __

 _"What did you expect?" Quinn asks._ __

 _"I don't know," Santana starts "I just thought that your Jesus loving ass would have had to say a little more than just 'okay'."_ __

 _The blonde takes a long look at Santana, trying to read her. Averting her gaze elsewhere and taking a deep breath, she lets out a small chuckle "you're my best friend, San. I won't lose you for something you have no control over."_ __

 _"Okay," Santana breaths out, hesitating a moment but taking Quinn's hand in her own._ _  
_

.

Avoidance is a funny thing isn't it? You try to ignore one certain person. You take the long way to class to avoid meeting her in the hallway. You look out for her on your way to be able to change your path fast enough for her to not see you. You ignore her calls even though you're on your phone 24/7. And as usual, you ignore her standing at your door for hours.

Avoidance is really a funny thing because you don't really avoid her. The times you take the long path are the times you think about her. The moment you look out for her are the moments she's on your mind. When your phones rings and you ignore it until it stops, she's still here claiming to be recognized even though you try not to, reminding you of her presence. And the hours she's standing in front your house, are the hours you listen to her sobbing on the other side.

You can't avoid someone who's trying so hard to be seen.

It's been a couple of days since Santana punched Puck on that stupid party.  
 _He deserved it_ the brunette tells herself. _He deserved it for touching her with his imperfect hands and for kissing her in front of everyone, thinking he has any demand of being seen with her like this_.

Santana doesn't regret the slap, not one bit. He had it coming for a while now, the party happened just to be that moment.

What she does regret though is the way she treated the blonde. She regrets pushing her away when Quinn is the only one the Latina wants by her side.

And deep down Santana knows that she's just like Puck. As much as he doesn't have any claim in her, she doesn't either.

She has a girlfriend, for fucks sake. Someone she claims to love but how can you love someone when you can barely look them in the eye. How can you love someone when you barely spent any time thinking about her but can spend hours thinking about another blonde.  
How can one relationship hurt so many people.

Santana's not dumb. She knows that she's hurting Brittany as much as she's hurting Quinn.  
Brittany, who looked just like Quinn, past her flaws. Brittany, who with her shinny personality and her never faltering energy, brought a light into Santana's life, that the darkness, which is Santana's usual company, started to fade away. Brittany tried to pick up the broken pieces but sometimes people are not meant to be fixed.

Sometimes you need to find someone as damaged as you; someone who understands how it feels like to be happy and sad at the same time. Someone who knows how dark life actually can get. Sometimes you need to find someone who's as broken as you to fight the demons together.

Despite the common belief, Brittany is not dumb either. Maybe she's not book smart but she can read people. Santana knows this and she knows that Brittany is not happy anymore. Santana's quicksand. She's Brittany's quicksand; dragging her down even though Brittany is running and fighting.

She can't do this anymore. She can't be the one who's tying someone down, so she decides that it's time to end this battle. She's trying to do the right thing, which seems like something she's trying to do more often now.  
Maybe she's growing as a person or maybe she's just exhausted.

And that's how she finds herself at Brittany's door.

.

Breaking up with Brittany was harder but also easier than thought.

There were tears but there was also laughter. They talked for hours, something they didn't do often these last few weeks.  
They even talked about Quinn.

It's 3 am now and Santana's resting in bed, sleep not coming easy these days.  
She still couldn't find the courage to talk to the blonde. There is no easy way to apologize for something like that, right?  
You can't just show up and say _'Hey Quinn I'm sorry let's forget about it ok? Or hey Quinn I know I said that I could never love you even though you, me and probably even the blind guy around the corner of the Lima Bean knows that I do but how about we forget about it ok? '_

The Latina knows she can't take this back as if nothing happened. She knows this one will leave scars on both of their souls.

This feels a lot like the night two years ago when Quinn suddenly showed up in front of her house way past midnight with bloodshot eyes and an empty look. She never felt more helpless than in that moment.

 _It's been a couple of weeks since Santana's official outing. It's been easier than thought. Her parents not really caring that their only child is gay._ __

 _'How can they,' Santana thinks. 'They're never home anyway. '_ __

 _Her father putting work and pretty much everything else above them._ _  
_ _It used to hurt Santana when her father would leave early hours and come back home late at night. It used to hurt her when, in the rare moments they spend a couple of hours together, that she would feel like talking to a stranger; but as much as it hurt Santana, her fathers absence and lack of love destroyed her mother. Santana's never been really close to her mother and when her dad started to spend less time at home, her mother started to do that too._ __

 _Is kinda funny how a home that is this big can feel like a small cage. It's 'The Santana Show: How much can you constrain someone until they suffocate, watch and find out. '_ __

 _But being alone also has its perks. You don't have to justify yourself; there is no curfew or whatsoever, you are your own person._ __

 _It's an easy way to live actually, she should be happy about but she's not._ __

 _It's a hot summer night, the air is thick and even though it's way past midnight it's freaking hot. She's tossing and turning around trying to find a comfortable position to sleep in, as her phone rings._ __

 _It's Quinn and Santana answers the phone immediately._ __

 _"What's wrong?", the brunette asks in alarm._ __

 _"Hey San," the blonde breathes out "I'm in front of your house."_ __

 _'Quinn sounds strange,' the Latina thinks and hurries downstairs still holding the line, just in case._ __

 _Opening the door she immediately realizes why the blonde sounded so strange. Her eyes are red as if she's been crying for hours and there's a handprint on her usual flawless cheek but she can't just jump to questions now, knowing that if she does the blonde will be building her walls up higher than usual._ __

 _Quinn looks sad; her eyes having a tiny shimmer, not from happiness or joy, but from sadness and tears she's been trying hard to suppress._ __

 _Taking a deep breath the Latina engulfs her in a tight hug, her arms sneaking around the blondes slim waist and pulling her tightly against her not letting go until Quinn reciprocates. They're speaking trough actions not words._ __

 _Several seconds pass and Santana ends the hug but Quinn still won't let go, burying her nose in dark locks instead. Santana holds her tighter; she knows the blonde will let go once she's ready, once she feels like she won't fall apart when she lets go._ __

 _Plating a feather light kiss against the brunettes neck Quinn lets go but Santana is not ready to lose any contact yet so she grasps the blonde girls hand._ __

 _Avoiding eye contact the blonde rasps out "it's warm out there."_ __

 _"Wanna go for a walk?", the Latina asks searching Quinn's gaze._ __

 _The blonde nods but doesn't say anything and so they go for a walk Santana not letting go of her hand._ __

 _Lima is quiet at night. The voices that are judging you and whispering behind your back, gone. Quinn's quiet too, more quiet than usual. The walk to their spot seems longer, now that they aren't talking._ __

 _There is a river behind the hills, a spot they discovered as kids. It's quite a walk but it's worth once you get there._ __

 _Once there, they settle down a nearby tree, the river just a few feet away from them._ __

 _Quinn's lost in thought, her eyes focused only on the river, her hands in tight fists._ _  
_ _Sometimes Quinn gets lost in her thoughts, her mind wandering to a dark place._ __

 _"Come back to me," Santana says softly her eyes searching for the blondes, again taking Quinn's hand in her own. The blonde flinches but doesn't pull away her eyes connecting with deep brown orbs._ __

 _"Where did you just go?", Santana asks eyebrows scrunching together, her thump drawing lazy patterns on the back of Quinn's hand._ __

 _"Nowhere, I'm right here," the blonde replies._ __

 _Reaching out an touching Quinn's cheek lightly, knowing that it probably hurts, the Latina asks what happened without actually saying it. Normal people wouldn't realize that something's wrong with Quinn, the blonde doing a pretty good job covering it up but Santana knows her too well._ __

 _"It wasn't Russell you know," the blonde starts her voice weak, barely audible "Judy slapped me. I think she knew that he was going to do it and that it'll hurt more if he does so she just did; but it didn't hurt less, you know San? It hurts still the same."_ __

 _There are tears streaming down Quinn's face, not the ones you hear but see._ _  
_ _The hallow ones, the ones you don't forget._ __

 _Santana swallows hard, "what happened?"_ __

 _The blonde hesitates "we had a fight about .. about you. You know what Lima is like, people talk. And I just couldn't take the way they were taking about y.."_ __

 _"Don't," the Latina interrupts Quinn "don't you ever defend me Quinn. I can take it but I can't if they hurt you."_ __

 _"You never told me that it got so bad," the darker girls voice breaking._ __

 _"You're my best friend," Quinn chokes out._ __

 _"And you're mine," the brunette replies softly squeezing Quinn's hand._ __

 _"I can't lose you."_ __

 _"You won't Q," Santana states determinedly._ __

 _Quinn shakes her head, tears still streaming down pale cheeks "you don't know that."_ __

 _But she knows. Santana knows because she'll never let the blonde go._ _  
_

 _ ****_ _ **I wanna be yours, are you mine?**_

Santana can't take the distance anymore. Yes she is the one who's been pushing the blonde away and yes she is also the one who's been ignoring every attempt of her but it's not simple as that.

She's the one who hurt the blonde so she has to make it up now.

Grabbing her keys she hurries to Quinn's house, hoping the blonde is awake.

Once she's there, Santana realizes that in her sudden outburst of courage she forgot her phone at home; but knowing where the spare key is and having done this constantly in the past the brunette knows that Quinn will be okay with Santana using it and knowing Quinn's parents, Judy is passed out from the bottles of wine anyway whilst Russell is spending the night with one of his mistresses.

Quinn has shitty parents too. _See they understand each-other_.

Walking up to her room as quietly as possible she opens the door, only to find her asleep, curled up in thin sheets.

Quinn's beautiful in an unusual kind of way. You could look at her for hours and never get bored. It's captivating, really. The way her hazel eyes match her hair color. Her full pinky lips, the small nose, the perfect sculptured eyebrows.

Quinn has always been a light sleeper. Santana knows from several sleepovers that the blonde wakes up by the tiniest sound, so she tries to close the door as quietly as possible. Whilst the door closes with a soft click, the lock doesn't.

"Santana?", a sleepy voice ask.

Santana sighs, leaning her forehead against the door. _God, how she missed that voice._

"San?", the blonde asks again after Santana releases a loud sob.

It's like the brunette is not herself around the blonde; Quinn stripping her down to her most vulnerable emotions. She's Santana's kryptonite.

Releasing the doorknob Santana throws herself at Quinn, who's still lying on her bed and engulfs her in a tight hug, her face buried in between the blondes shoulder and neck, silently crying.

"I'm sorry Quinn," Santana chokes out "I'm so sorry I didn't mean it, please I'm so sorry."

Quinn's arms wrap around the brunette but she stays quiet. Several minutes pass, in which Santana silently cries and Quinn thinks about what she'll say the next moment. She can't do this anymore. She's tired by this shove and pull game they've been playing for months now. It's time to end this.

"Sometimes I wish I never met you did you know that San?"

It's like Santana's been kicked in the gut, her tears stopping immediately, afraid of what Quinn will say next.  
The only sound that can be heard is the heavy breathing of both girls. Santana doesn't answer, this is not a question she's supposed to do. She knows that this is Quinn's way of revealing what's been stuck in her head for so long.

"But then I think," the blonde hesitates a moment before she continues her voice thick with tears, "if it wouldn't be for you, there probably wouldn't be a me anymore."

"You're wrong," the brunette whispers "you're stronger than you think."

Quinn whimpers "Am I ? Because it doesn't feel like it."

"You know I've been thinking about what you said in that bathroom," Quinn breathes out "maybe you're right, maybe I _am_ too damaged to be loved."

Santana struggles to sit up and look at Quinn but the blonde won't let her go, holding her in fact tighter than before as if she's making herself ready to let the brunette go forever.

"No Quinn," Santana states determinedly "that's not true."

"You said it yourself San."

"But I didn't mean it-" the brunette tries to explain before Quinn cuts her off again.

"-Yes you did. You know what it feels like to be loved, I _thought_ I knew too. You have Brittany and -"

"- I broke up with her," Santana almost shouts "I broke up with her," she repeats softly.

And here it is, the topic they never talk about. Santana doesn't know when she became the person they never talk about. It's like Brittany is a land mine, able to blow up their friendship with one wrong word.

The outburst shocks Quinn, she's utterly stunned; she didn't expect this.  
Santana uses the blondes distraction to break free from her firm grasp and gazes in wide hazel eyes.

"Why?", Quinn whispers eyebrows scrunching together slightly.

 _Now is the moment_ , Santana thinks _you_ _have to tell her or you'll lose her. For good._

Taking a shuttering breath, Santana leans her forehead against Quinn's, lying half on top of the blonde, her elbows holding her up.

No one is running away this time, nor Santana nor Quinn have their walls up, it's a make it or break it moment. They both know they can't go on like this and sometimes fears need to be faced no matter how scary they are.

Foreheads leaning against each other and breaths mixing Santana struggles to find the least of a bit of courage to lean forward and claim those lips she wanted to taste for so long now as her own.

 _Come on Santana this is it. Come on just..-_ Santana loses all of her senses as she feels the softest touch of lips against her own.

 _God damn it Quinn_ Santana thinks _you always have to steal my moment, don't you_.

The kiss is nothing like expected, dreams don't to those lips justice.  
It's everything and not enough at the same time. Santana's arms give out and she collapses on top of Quinn, hands reaching up and holding the blondes face, kissing her harder now, breathing her in.

This is the moment the brunette dreamed about for so long and now that the moment is here she's not ready to let it ever end.

Sucking and nibbling on the blondes lips she traces her tongue along the line, hoping the blonde will grant her access.

Quinn opens her mouth just wide enough for Santana's tongue to slip in, both girls gasping at the first touch, tongues stroking and breaths quickening.

When air becomes an issue they break apart, Santana peppering Quinn's lips with small kisses, not ready to face the reality of the moment yet.

"Quinn, I lo..", Quinn clasps her hand over Santana's mouth stopping her from saying it.

"Santana don't _please_ ," the blonde rasps out tears already forming in her eyes.

"No Quinn," Santana states, taking Quinn's hands in her own, kissing her palm, "you need to hear it and I need to say it."

Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, the Latina, for the first time ever breathes out, "I love you Quinn, I'm so in love with you. You _are_ loved. Your are loved _so much_."

Quinn's eyes close instantly, the blonde trying to will the tears away but to no avail.

The blonde opens her eyes the moment she feels full lips kissing them away lovingly.

"I'm scared," the blonde whimpers out, struggling to breathe "you terrify me. If I say it back it'll change everything."

The Latina stays quiet, still dragging her lips along the blondes cheeks and neck lovingly.

"If I say it you're not allowed to leave me San. I wouldn't make it if-"

"-Shhh," the Santana cuts her off "I would never leave you."

"Please don't leave me", Quinn begs "I love you, please don't leave me."

And here it is, the words both girls tried to deny as much as they can, the words sounding less scary now.

The Latina releases a long breath, she waited so long for this moment to happen. Leaning down, the girls lips meet softly. It's like now that they know what the other girl tastes like they can't separate their lips any longer, having done this too long now.

Santana nuzzles her nose against Quinn's neck kissing the spot her lips can reach, legs intertwining, holding on to each other, both girls fall asleep with less heavy hearts.

 **TBC** ****

 **A/N: There is a lot of drama to come ;)** **  
** **But be warned this will not be an overly long story I should wrap it up in a few more chapters; but drama is ahead.** ****

 **Also, I read and appreciate every review so thanks for that !**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Flashbacks are in italics**

 _ **And it feels so real from the outside looking in**_

 _It's a Friday night, Quinn and Santana are lounging in bed, pizza boxes spread out around them, watching movies on Santana's TV._

 _It's their thing ever since they became friends. Once a week they meet up and have a movies-night, eating and drinking whatever they want, coach Sylvester's strict diet plan be damned._ __

 _They're in the middle of the second season of One Tree Hill and Santana's been restless the whole night, huffing and tossing around the big bed._

 _"Do you want to tell me something?" Quinn asks without taking her eyes off of the TV._ __

 _She knows something is bothering the brunette. She's been too quiet the whole night, actually she's been quiet for a few days now. It's an uncommon behavior for the feisty Latina._ __

 _"I'm with Brittany," the brunette blurts out. For some reason she's been afraid of telling Quinn that she is in an official relationship now. Maybe because she's been afraid that Quinn won't approve and that she'll lose her as a best friend or maybe because deep down Santana started to develop feelings for Quinn._ __

 _'As if' the Latina thinks 'We've been best friends for years of course at some point I'll confuse those feelings' the Latina reasons with herself._ __

 _Quinn snaps her head immediately towards Santana, frowning she asks "why?"_

 _Eyebrows scrunching together in confusion the Latina responds "what do you mean why?"_

 _"She's stupid San, why would you want to be with her?" Quinn asks irritated._

 _"Whoa Quinn slow down a little will ya?" Santana replies in return getting angrier with every second._

 _For some reason Quinn's temper is flaring with every passing second too and it's not easy to stay quiet when you want to blow up._ __

 _They've been best friends since forever. It took Santana years to let Quinn in and now she's with Brittany just like that, letting her in more than she ever allowed Quinn to._

 _To Quinn, Brittany is not enough for Santana. Not smart enough, not pretty enough, not on the same level as Santana. In Quinn's opinion Santana is downgrading for someone way under her league._

 _"I mean everyone knows you two fuck each other, why would you want to be with her?" Quinn asks raising her voice slightly._

 _"Oh I don't know Quinn, maybe because with feelings it's better?" Santana repeats Brittany's mantra, throwing her hands in the air out of desperation._

 _Quinn looks at her, hard. Her eyes narrowed and her lips in a thin line. She forces a smile on to her face that looks a lot more like a grimace and retorts "If you say so."_ __

 _It's the first time ever that Brittany's a problem in their friendship, this loaded topic that's able to get both girls angry in mere seconds, for two different reasons. Their land mine._

 _After that night, Quinn always has an excuse to not show up anymore; the Latina too proud to chase after her._ _  
_

.

.

Quinn's is the first one to wake up, the Latina still atop of her, breathing deeply.

She looks innocent in her sleep, happier as if she's living the life she's supposed to in her dreams.

Last night was unexpected for Quinn, she didn't expect for the brunette to show up in the middle of the night but they've been running away for too long now. It was time to face their fears.

Admitting that you're in love with your best friend is hard but losing her because you're too much of a coward is not something Quinn is willing to accept. Not when she knows that without Santana she won't function. So she took the jump and here she is now, cuddled to the girl she loves, feeling her wet breath on her neck, her body heat on her skin.

Not being able to control her hands from wandering she reaches out to smooth Santana's hair behind her ear, dragging the back of her finger down her neck.

The Latina sighs but doesn't wake up and Quinn leans down to kiss the Latinas neck softly, tasting her slightly salty neck with the tip of her tongue. Losing control, Quinn starts to suck down, not hard enough to leave a mark but enough for Santana to wake up.

"Quinn?" the brunette asks in a deep sleepy voice.

Kissing her way up Santana's neck and cheeks, the blonde kisses her lips softly, loving the taste of the brunette.

"Hey," Quinn breathes out against her lips and lays her head down on Santana's chest, feeling her heart beat slightly out of rhythm.

 _I made this_ , the blonde thinks and sighs happily.

Santana stays quiet, running her hands up and down Quinn's back, kissing her temple softly, letting her lips linger.

They stay in this position, enjoying each other's company, until Quinn's stomach groans, both girls falling into a fit of giggles.

"Come on Q, I'll make you something to eat," Santana laughs.

They both now Russell and Judy aren't home, Quinn's parents having their lack of presence in common with Santana's.

Collecting all the ingredients Santana starts on making pancakes, Quinn settling down on the counter besides her, watching the brunette, ever so often sharing deep looks and pecking each other's lips.

They both know they have to talk, unanswered questions hanging over them.  
 _What does this mean, are they an item now, is Quinn ready to come out,_ but they're both good in avoiding difficult and complicated things. Once they realize that they can't avoid this, because avoidance is what almost destroyed their friendship, an uncomfortable silence falls over them. The light mood, gone.

They eat in silence, avoiding looking at each other, both girls gaze fixed on their plates until Quinn blurts out "I can't come out. They'll kick me out. I can't.." she trails off, eyes shinning with tears.

"I understand."

And she does, Santana really understands but that doesn't mean that it hurts any less.

She knows where Quinn is coming from, she's been there, having faced these fears too and as much as Quinn's and Santana's parents have things in common theres one big difference.  
Santana's parents support her nevertheless, maybe because they really don't care or maybe because at some point of their dysfunctional relationship her parents truly accept her; Quinn's parents aren't like that.

Russell being the bigoted Christian he is teaching love and chastity and praising the love of God and his sins but fucking every week another women, raising his hand against his daughter and wife; Judy drinking herself into oblivion to endure the dictatorship of one Russell Fabray never once disagreeing with her husband out of fear.

 _But hey, at least they look like a happy family, right?'_

 _I guess I have my answer for the last question_ , the Latina thinks.

The brunette is disappointed and angry but not at Quinn. She's angry at the situation she finds them-self in, knowing it's not fair to either of them.

Picking up her plate she throws the rest of her breakfast into the trash, her appetite gone and rests her hands against the sink, closing her eyes and trying to sort through her thoughts.

It's a delicate situation, no natter how they decide to take it from here on, one of them will get hurt.

Santana tenses as she feels long arms close around her waist, the blondes front pressing against her back kissing her neck.

"Please don't be mad," Quinn whispers against her ear.

Santana sighs and gives in to Quinn's touch, resting her head against the blondes chest.

"I'm not mad, Baby."

"Baby?" the blonde chuckles. "I like it."

A couple hours later Santana leaves, knowing that she'll have to keep them as a secret.

.

.  
Life has beautiful moments. Some are short others are long.  
Sometimes it just takes one person to show you how beautiful life actually can be.

Quinn and Santana are in an unofficial relationship. They hold hands, they kiss and have movie nights. They cuddle and share deep kisses, they spend their times together.  
They whisper I loves you's against each other's lips and hands are wandering innocently, exploring body parts; but still they're a secret.

Even though weeks have past after the night they shared their first kiss together, Quinn is nowhere near coming out.

It's quite the opposite, Quinn is overly careful, limiting their interaction in public to a minimum. It's obvious for Santana that Quinn's change of behavior is caused by her fear of being outed and being seen with Santana means people assuming that she's in some sort of way involved with the Latina.  
Therefore there is no hand holding, no kissing, not even talking, just looking.

It hurts a lot more than the brunette is willing to admit.

It's funny actually, now that they are (unofficially) together, Quinn spends less time with her when others are around.

But as much as the secrecy sucks they also share sweet moments.

Right now, they're the last ones in the locker room, Quinn changing out of her Cheerios uniform, turning her back against the brunette in a teasing manner.

Ever since their first kiss, their make out sessions grew stronger, once innocently wandering hands bolder, the times they have had to stop before the point of no return more frequent. They both now it's inventible, the sexual tension hanging between them more often than not but Santana wants their first time to be special. She wants to give Quinn everything, show her how much she loves her, show her pleasure. She can't rush this, not when it means so much to both of them. They're givin them-selfs to each other, opening up in a way they never have, something they've been struggling with.

Looking over her shoulder at Quinn again the Latina loses control as the blondes only bra clad back flexes.

Santana's hands involuntarily reaching out, her front pressing against the blondes back, the tips of her fingers playing with Quinn's toned stomach, making the blonde gasp.

The moment Quinn turns around the brunette presses her against the lockers, not giving Quinn a second to object, and kisses her deeply; the Latinas mouth seeking out entrance which the blonde grants.

Quinn lets out a quiet moan, her arms wrapping around the brunettes neck pulling her in tighter. Even though Quinn is overly carful, she loves this girl and she too loses control from time to time, forgetting where she is; just enjoying the moment.

Santana's hands start wandering, from the blondes toned abs towards her rips, squeezing lightly, her thumps stroking the undersides of her breasts.

They both know they can't go further so reluctantly they break apart, breathing heavily against each other's lips.

Taking a deep breath and stepping back the brunette rasps out "now you can change."

.

The weather is nice and the silence that surrounds them while they're waking home is comfortable. It's not the heavy silence that falls over them ever so often making it harder to breathe. The mood is light, both girls smiling at each other from time to time.

"Squirrel," Quinn yells out.

It's been their game when they were little the rules simple; the person who finds the first squirrels wins.

 _"I'm bored Santa," a ten years old Quinn states. "Why is the way so long?" she whines._ __

 _"It's not that long Quinnie, c'mon we'll play a game, whoever finds the first squirrel wins," the brunette states cheekily._ __

 _"Squirrel," little Quinn squeals._ __

 _"What no Quinnie you totally cheated I wasn't even ready," the little Latina frowns._ __

 _"You're such a bad loser Santa," Quinn laughs._ __

 _"Whatever, come on I race you home," the brunette replies dismissively and runs forward, the blonde taking off too.  
_

"Don't you think we're a little too old for this _Quinnie_?" Santana ask teasingly, a little smirk playing on her face.

"I don't know _Santa_ , are you still such a sour loser ?"

"You know what Quinn?" the brunette asks not really waiting for a reply. "Come on I race you home."

Both girls surging forward, enjoying the light mood and the happiness of the moment.

.

Quinn is the first one to arrive.

"As the winner I'm claiming the showers," she calls out playfully, making the Latina roll her eyes.

"Whatever Quinn, I let you win."

"Oh Santa still such a bad loser huh?" Quinn teases making the Latina stick out her tongue.

"Ew Quinn no," Santana tries to dodge Quinn who's trying to embrace her "you're all sweaty and gross."

"I thought you liked sweaty San," Quinn winks.

Santana opens her mouth in fake shock, trying to come up with a witty retort but finding none.

 _What can you reply to that?_

"Go take a shower baby," Santana says instead, kissing Quinn's lips softy.

The moment Quinn turns on the shower head her phones rings, Santana just ignoring it, throwing herself on her bed and waiting for Quinn to finish, so she can take her turn.

And again, Quinn's phone rings not stoping until it goes to voicemail and after that it simply starts ringing again.

"Quinn," Santana calls out. "Your phone won't stop ringing."

"I'll be out in a minute. Just tell them I'm busy."

A couple of minutes later Quinn comes out, Santana sitting on her bed and starring at Quinn's phone in her hand.

"What's wrong?" Quinn asks in confusion, the brunettes angry gaze directed at her.

"Oh nothing Quinn, Puck's just been texting you constantly. He's asking if your _date'_ still stands," the Latina states bitterly.

She wants to blow up, she really does; these past few weeks Quinn hurt her trough her actions repeatedly but in some weird way Santana knows why Quinn is doing this. She's been doing the same when she wanted no one to notice what's going on.

"You know it's not like that San," the blonde says softly reaching out, the brunette flinching away from her touch.

"Oh so it would be okay for me to meet Brittany and have a _date_ with her because _it's not like that_ Quinn huh?" Santana raises her voice.

And here it is, the two person they try to avoid taking about no matter what. Just like every other couple, Santana and Quinn fight, both girls falling into jealousy-fits, blowing up at each other.

The more Quinn distanced herself from Santana in school, the closer she got to Puck. He's her beard and Santana is sure that Puck, in some point of his dysfunctional sight of relationships, truly has feelings for Quinn and Santana is also sure that Quinn knows that and that she's taking advantage of this.

And as much as Santana finds herself in a fit of jealousy, Quinn's not different either, blowing up at Santana due to her closeness to Brittany. 

After Santana broke up with the blue eyed blonde, they stayed friends but in comparison to Quinn, the brunette tries to not get too close to Britt, knowing how much it hurts her girlfriend and how much she obsesses about it.

"You know, you've been doing this for weeks now Quinn," Santana flings her hands in the air out of desperation.

"Been doing what?" Quinn screeches.

"Pushing me away," the brunette shouts desperately, silencing whatever Quinn has to say, a heavy silence falling over them.

"You're so scared Q," Santana chokes out, tears gathering in the corner of her eyes.  
"You're so scared of someone knowing, that you do everything to push me away without even noticing."

"I'm not pushing you away San. I just need a little more time," Quinn whimpers out, her own emotions getting the best of her.

"How long Quinn? You barely let me in when it's the two of us how do you want to let me in when everyone is watching?"

Quinn stays indifferent, her posture stoic. She's trying to block this situation out, not ready to be confronted with such questions, her detachment making the brunette angrier.

"Just give me something Quinn," Santana yells out. She knows what Quinn is trying to do, she's been doing this ever since they got together, shutting her and the world out when it gets too much.

"Anything! Tell me that you'll be ready to hold my hand in public, tell me that I'll be able to kiss you in the halls, tell me that I won't always have to watch you and Puck flirting, Quinn just _please_ give me something," the brunette begs, tears falling down her face.

"This is Lima, Ohio Santana what do you expect me to do," Quinn shouts out in a strangled voice.

Santana doesn't want to fight but she doesn't want to give up either. She knows she's pushing this and she doesn't want to pressure Quinn into something she's not ready for but she has to confront the blonde with this. She's been running away for too long now and sometimes you have to push someone a little for them to realize what they've been doing.

Santana stays quiet, tears streaming down her face.

"I love you why can't this be enough for now San," the blonde sobs "we'll leave for college in a few months anyway, why can't we start living our relationship somewhere where they are more accepting San, why can't I just be enough for now," Quinn struggles to breathe, falling down on her knees, clutching her chest.

The brunette wants to stay strong, she wants for Quinn to tell her that she'll come out because she loves her that much and that she'll risk it for her. She wants Quinn to at least lie to her but the blonde won't even do that. When Quinn starts clutching her chest, Santana breaks and kneels down next to the blonde, pulling her towards her kissing her tears away.

"It's okay Quinn, I'll wait if it means that I get you."

And she would, she would wait forever of it meant that one day they'll live the life they deserve.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Enjoy!**

 _ **I'm building a still to slow down the time**_

It's a hot night and Santana's lying in bed, her phone squished between her shoulder and ear, her free hands playing with the hem of her shorts.

"I'm taking you on a date," she blurts into the phone, cutting off whatever Quinn was telling.

"What?" Quinn's asks, her eyes sparkling win delight and a little smile playing on her face.

"You heard me. Isn't it weird, we've been dating for a few months now and I haven't taken you on a proper date yet."

"But we had planty of dates San, not that I'm complaining or anything," the blond rasps in to the phone.

"I'm taking you on a date tomorrow afternoon Quinn. Dress cosily," Santana replies firmly and before Quinn can respond the brunette hangs up immediately without further explanations.

Leaving Quinn astounded and her body tingling with excitement.

.

"You don't love me enough Quinn. You don't love me enough. I thought I saw something in you, but you don't love me Quinn," is the last thing Quinn hears before she jumps awake, her pjs sticking to her sweaty body, struggling to breath.

Ever since their fight Quinn's been having nightmares on a constant basis, every single one ending differently but Santana always the center of them.

After Quinn broke down the afternoon, Santana picked her up from the floor, scooping her on to the bed lovingly trying to calm Quinn down but struggling, the blonde not responding to anything.

Quinn's been barely conscious, her mind playing tricks on her, worst case scenarios flashing before her eyes until she cried herself into exhaustion but the Latinas loving arms enveloping her and not letting her go.

Quinn's not dumb. All her classes are AP classes, Ivy League colleges are waiting for her so she knows that it's just a natural reaction of her body due to immense stress, the fear of losing Santana.

Even though the daylight flashes stopped shortly after, nightmares took over, haunting Quinn and not allowing her to catch more than a few hours of sleep. The only times she can sleep through the night without waking up is when she's scooped up into a certain Latinas embrace, her rhythmic heartbeat creating the most wonderful of songs, her deep breaths tickling the blonde, reminding her of her presence.

So when the brunette isn't there the blonde doesn't try to fall back asleep again, scared of another nightmare and occupies herself instead, reading a book, listening to music or just simply thinking about her girlfriend until she wakes up the next morning, realizing that at some point she lost the fight against sleep.

It's weird for Quinn to wake up without the Latinas loving gaze directed at her or her tender touch bringing her slowly back into consciousness.

This particular morning she woke up extremely happy knowing that the Latina has planned something special for them.

Quinn's been giddy the whole day debating on what to wear since Santana didn't tell her what they're doing but she's exited.

She's touching up on her make up waiting for her girlfriends arrival when the doorbell rings, Santana being overly punctual.

"Hey girlfriend," the Latina greets airily eyes sparkling with the first sight of Quinn.

"Hey baby," Quinn replies, pulling the Latina into the house and kissing her softly, the tender touch of lips igniting a spark within both girls, leaving them tingling.

"You ready?" the Latina breaths against Quinn's lips, their faces only inches apart.

Pecking the brunettes lips again Quinn nods, eager to find out what her girlfriend has planned for the evening.

The ride to their destination is long, Quinn begging Santana to give her at least a little clue where they're going but the Latina, who's determined of surprising the blonde stays quiet, not giving Quinn even the slightest clue.

The same routine goes on for another 30 minutes, Quinn asking questions and Santana not answering any of them.

After an almost 2 hour driver they arrive at a fun fair.

"Here we are," the brunette grins and parks the car into an empty spot, turning towards Quinn.

"A fun fair, really San?" Quinn laughs out a full belly laugh, obvious that the location the brunette picked out is just the right one.

"Remember how you told me that when your parents would take you out to one you'd never have fun because they'd never allow you to-" the darker girl gets caught off by full pink lips, a pale hand sneaking to her neck scratching lightly and drawing the Latina closer.

They stay in the same position, tongues stroking softly and lips sucking lightly until Quinn's laughter cuts them off.

And God, Santana swears she never tasted something better than Quinn's laughter in her mouth.

"This is perfect."

"Well then let's go Q," the brunette takes her by the hand, ready for a night of fun.

The fun fair is crowded with families and their little kids, couples who are holding hands and friends who are just lounging around.

It's one of those rare moments when Quinn is truly happy, her eyes sparkling with delight, her walk more light like she hasn't the weight of the world on her shoulders, forgetting everything around her.

Hours lather they've been almost on everything, the only thing that's left behind being the ferris wheel.

"You ready Q?" the Latina asks tentatively, knowing that Quinn is scared of heights.

She wants to reach out and take the blondes hand in her own, give her the last bit of bravery she seems to be needing right now but the brunette also knows that she can't in fear of Quinn building her walls up again, which have been down for the whole day.

"I'm scared," the blonde rasps out eyes fixing on Santana.

"I know."

"San I don't think I can-"

"-yes you can," the Latina interrupts whatever excuse Quinn has to say.

Several minutes pass in which Quinn is lost in thought, debating with herself if she's strong enough and than finally whispers out, "ok."

The ride is pretty short, Quinn clinging to Santana for dear life, eyes closing tightly.

Santana takes Quinn in her arms, her mouth pressing against the shell of her ear and whispering words of courage.

"Open your eyes baby."

"I can't."

Letting her lips linger a few seconds longer the brunette starts to drag her lips down Quinn's neck, sucking softly, turning the blondes head towards her and claiming her lips.

Quinn's instantly reciprocating and deepening the kiss, tracing her tongue along the brunettes bottom lip, asking for entrance which she grants.

When air becomes an issue both girls break apart, Quinn eyes fluttering open for the first time since the ride, her hand scratching the brunettes neck lightly.

"Look at the view Quinn."

And she does. The height less scary with Santana besides her.  
The little smile on the blondes face making Santana's heart skip.

Shortly after the ferris wheel ride is coming to an end.

Quinn's knows that Santana doesn't deserve this. The secrecy, the lies, the distance. She knows she's hurting the brunette.

And she knows this moment will pass and be a distinct memory, something she treasures because life doesn't stop for anybody. No matter how much she wants to hold on.

So she takes Santana's hand, not caring whoever sees, stopping the brunette in her movements.

"Quinn what are you doing," the Latina asks, uncertainty lacing her voice, her eyes darting around the crowd of people.

"Holding my girlfriends hand, ok?"

"Okay."

Grazing her thump across the brunettes hand, they walk on until Quinn's eyes catch David Karofsky who's smirking at them and halting both girls in their motion but Quinn not letting go of Santana nevertheless, tugging on the brunettes hands and walking on.

The ride back home is silent, both girls lost in thought, replaying the events of the day.  
Once the car is parked in Santana driveway they make their way up to Santana's room, her parents not coming home for the next several days.

"Go take a shower baby," Santana suggests with a secret agenda.  
The blonde being oblivious to the Latinas angle agrees, getting ready to take a shower.

The moment Quinn turns on the shower head, Santana gets ready to heat up the already cooked food and sets her backyard up for the night.

The night is pleasant, the weather is neither too hot nor too cold, the stars clearly visible.

Building a bed out of blankets and cushions, the chain of lights Santana bought lighting up the trees besides them, giving the surrounding a different glow, the brunette sets the food besides them and waits for Quinn's arrival.

"Hey S where did you g-"

"- oh my god San," the blonde whispers, her hands reaching out for Santana, settling down besides her girlfriend.

The girls eat in silence, occasional laughter filling the air, their gaze never breaking from each other.  
After the food is done, Santana opens up a bottle of Rosé, laying down on the blankets and cuddling next to Quinn, feet intertwining and hands wandering.

"What are you thinking about?" the brunette asks, her lips brushing against Quinn's neck with every word she speaks.

Shaking her head and trying to sort through her thoughts Quinn opens her mouth but nothing comes out.

"I just-" Quinn starts an sighs heavily, Santana looking up to her, waiting for whatever the blonde has to say, the lights illuminating her hazel eyes, making Santana lose herself in them.

Letting out a short breathy laugh the blonde starts again.

"I just, I've been alone you know? It feels like I've been alone my whole life."

"Quinn-"

"-No I've been" she interrupts whatever Santana has to say.

"Even though there are people who surround me they're not really there you know?  
I've been going to sleep all alone, I've been eating all alone, I've been living life all alone, singing in the car all alone," she laughs for real this time, pecking Santana's lips lovingly, her hand wandering down the blondes shirt, stroking the small of her back.

"And suddenly I'm not alone anymore, I have someone. Someone to sing with in the car and it's just hard to let that go once you have it. And I don't think I can, Santana. I don't think I can ever let you go."

"I love you Quinn."

"And I love you," Quinn replies, kissing the Latina lovingly, the kiss heating up almost immediately.

Quinn leans over until Santana's on her back, nibbling on the brunettes lower lip tugging on it gently asking for entrance which the Latina grants, both girls sighing once their tongues stroke.

Santana wraps her legs around Quinn's waist, pulling her even closer than before while Quinn's hands start to tug on the brunettes shirt.

Santana breaks the kiss, breathing heavily.

"Quinn, this is not- I didn't do all this to pressure you into something. This wasn't my intention-" Santana tries to explain but gets caught off by the blondes lips.

"I love you and you love me and I want this, ok San?"

The brunette nods and reaches out to kiss Quinn's lips again, flipping them over so she's on top now.

She slowly starts to tug the blondes shirts off, giving her girlfriend time to adjust and does the same to herself, Quinn's hands instantly reaching out, playing with the brunettes toned abs.

It's indescribable for Quinn, the way Santana changes around her, being cold and vicious to others, especially Puck but sweet and loving to Quinn.

Arching her back, Quinn helps the brunette to take off her bra, reaching behind Santana and doing the same to her.

Once she unwanted barrier is gone, both girls take a moment to admire each others bodies.

Not being able to help herself, Santana starts to drag her hands slowly up towards Quinn's breasts, starting with the girls hips then her rips and finally the underside of her breasts.

Softly she starts kneading pale breasts, hard nipples poking the palm of her hands.

Quinn starts to tug Santana down until they kiss again, moaning into her mouth when the brunette starts to pinch her nipple.

Kissing down Quinn's neck and the valley of her breasts, Santana takes a hard nipple into her mouth, sucking and licking it.

Quinn instead starts to unbutton Santana's jeans, dragging them down as much as it is possible from her position.

"Off," the blonde huffs out, tucking on Santana's jeans.

The brunette sits up, getting rid of her jeans as well as Quinn's, both girls just in their underwear now.

Grabbing the strings of the blondes underwear, Santana hesitates and waits for Quinn's affirmation.

The moment Quinn nods, the brunette starts to take off her panties, pausing to admire the beauty in in front her.

Quinn's tries to close her legs out of embarrassment but the Latina stopps her.

"Don't. You're beautiful Quinn."

Getting rid of her own thong, Santana nudges Quinn's legs open, settling between them, breasts touching, hands wandering and lips kissing.

Santana's hand starts roaming between their bodies, giving Quinn's breast a light squeeze, continuing her path southwards.

The moment Santana makes first contact with Quinn's folds, the blonde moans and arches uncontrollably.

Slick and wet heat surrounding Santana's fingers.

"God Q, you're so wet. _So_ _beautiful_ ," Santana moans out, her lips attached to Quinn's neck.

"Baby please."

It's all the confirmation the Latina needs, pushing a single finger into Quinn, her walls adjusting and trapping her finger.

Pulling her finger completely out, the brunette inserts a second finger. Quinn digging her nails into the girls back, moaning out in pleasure.

"Oh my god. Please don't stop," the blonde whimpers out.

"Never," Santana replies body's moving in rhythm with their thrusts, both girls trying to get as much air as possible into their lungs.

Stroking Quinn's clit with her thumb, the blonde lets herself get lost in love and pleasure. Her orgasm rolling through her whole body, coming hard and trapping Santana's finger deep within her, squeezing them hard.

Once both girls come down, Santana pulls out if Quinn. The blonde whimpering from the loss, eyes lidded and watching ever movement of the Latinas.

Bringing the drenched digits to her mouth, Santana licks off her girlfriends juices moaning out at the taste that is distinctly Quinn.

Quinn's reaching down and plugging into the brunette softly but suddenly catching the brunette off guard, causing Santana to fall forward and gasp out. Moans, whispers and declarations of love filling the air for the next couple of hours.

After desires and fantasies are seated, the girls fall asleep in each other's arms, chests touching, feet intertwining and breaths mixing.

.

.

 _ **I'm lost in the world, been down my whole life**_

It's been a long day, school dragging on for hours and never seeming to end.  
Santana's annoyed and more edgy than usual, barely able to wait for glee club to be over and to go home.

Quinn's sitting a few rows in front of her to not wake any suspicions, irritating the Latina furthermore. Pucks gaze is directed at the blonde, his body turned towards Quinn, obviously trying to talk Quinn into something.

The morning after their fight about Pucks text message asking Quinn when they're going out on a date, the blonde called it off, telling Puck a half asked excuse which he bought being the dumb and arrogant boy he is.

Santana's about to lose it when Puck starts running his hands up and down Quinn's arm, the school bell saving him from getting his ass kicked, the Latina releasing a quiet growl shooting up from her seat and taking Quinn by the hand dragging her out of the classroom.

"What the hell San," Quinn asks tearing her hand away from Santana's and looking around the halls fearfully which are filling with students.

"What did he want Quinn," Santana demands, cutting the chase.

"He asked me if I'm going to his party tomorrow, _that's_ _all_."

Santana scoffs out loud at Quinn's reply. "Yeah _'that's_ _all'_ and what about his hands all over you hmm?"

"What are you taking about?" Quinn screeches out, forgetting that people near enough can probably hear them arguing.

Trying to control her temper and not catch more attention than they already have Santana asks, throwing her hands in the air slightly, "what are you doing Quinn? Why are doing this to yourself?"

Quinn's ignoring Santana's question, her eyes focusing on a smirking David Karofsky walking towards them.

"Hey dykes, trouble in paradise," he's asks with disdain, his eyes flashing with disgust, stopping whatever fight the girls were having but walking on, not waiting for the aftermath of his words.

Quinn's frozen in place, her eyes instantly filling with tears, looking helplessly at Santana.

This is her worst nightmare, other than losing Santana. The fear of being outed always present.

Compared to Quinn Santana has dealt with situations like this, her concern for her girlfriend overweighting the urge to show Karofsky which part of town she's exactly coming from, taking Quinn by the hand into an empty closet, away from the curious gazes of other students.

 _How_ _ironic_.

"Quinn," Santana reaches out, her voice barely above a whisper.

Her movements are cut short by Quinn's "stop". Freezing the Latina into place.

"He knows. He knows and everyone else is gonna know now," Quinn's cries out, tears streaming her face not being able to controll her emotions.

"He won't, I'll take care of it."

The Latina tries reaching out again only to be stopped by Quinn's harsh "please don't touch me Santana."

"Quinn-"

"I can't come out now San, I'm not ready. God this is too much. You can't hel-"

"Don't shut me out Quinn," the brunette begs desperately, knowing that even tough Quinn's distance doesn't hurt right now like it normally does, because Santana had months to get used to this, it will once the blonde leaves.

"I'm sorry I can't right now," the blonde states, her eyes cold but her voice revealing her distress, walking out on her girlfriend nevertheless, leaving the Latina broken behind.

Every text Santana's been sending Quinn after school stayed unanswered, every phone call going straight to voicemail.

The Latina knows she should give the blonde the space she needs right now but her iciness and distance causing the Latina the fear of losing Quinn and making the brunette irrational and therefore unusually clingy.

It's almost midnight now, Santana's phone laying on her stomach, her arms thrown over her eyes shielding her from the world, hoping for Quinn to reply but not truly believing that she will.

So it surprises the brunette when her phone rings, indicating a new text message.  
 **  
"I'll see you at the party."**

It's all that it says.

No I love you, no we'll talk tomorrow, nothing signaling any sort of affection.

Just a stupid 6-words message.

 _Fucking_ _hell_ Santana huffs to herself tossing her phone aside, trying to sleep off the anger and hurt she's feeling right now.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Flashbacks are in italics.** **All mistakes are mine.** **  
Hope you enjoy!**

 _ **Run away from me, Baby, run away!**_ __ _ ****_

" _Why are you avoiding me?" Santana asks angrily, sending a harsh glare towards Quinn, sitting on the chair besides her, the classroom packed with students._ __

 _"I'm not avoiding you," the blonde replies but averts her gaze, making it obvious that that's been exactly what she's been doing._ __

 _"Bullshit. What is it Quinn?"_

 _Trying to postpone the brunettes questions, Quinn focuses on her work. Ignoring the brunette completely._

 _"Quinn, what's wr-"_

 _"Nothing will you just drop it?" Quinn raises her voice, causing a few students to turn around and observe them._ __

 _The moment the school bell rings Quinn rushes out, grabbing her stuff and leaving Santana behind._ __

 _._

 _It's late in the evening the sun settling down. Quinn's sitting by the lake lost in thought until a movement catches her attention._ __

 _"Mind if I join you?" Santana asks tentatively, her voice small._ __

 _Quinn simply shrugs not looking up, playing with the flowers besides her._ __

 _Santana's stays quiet but then reaches out to take Quinn's hand only for the blonde to flinch away as if the Latinas touch would burn her._ __

 _"What happened?"_

 _"I kissed Puck," the blonde blurts out, her eyes gazing deeply into Santana's, filling with hot angry tears._ __

 _Santana takes a deep breath, her hands balling into fists and eyes shutting tightly._

 _"I kissed fucking Puck and all I could think about was how fucking wrong it felt, San. How I felt absolutely nothing. What's wrong with me, S? Why can't I feel anything?" she chokes out her breathing quickening._ __

 _Santana doesn't know if she wants to comfort Quinn or kill Puck so she stays quiet. Sniffles and quiet sobs filling the air, the Latina hiding her own tears, both girls hearts squeezing painfully for two different reasons._ _  
_

.

They say there's a fine line between love and hate. Imagine, loving someone so much that you lose yourself in them. Your personality, your character, your sanity.

Loving someone, _really_ loving someone makes you vulnerable. Open to any kind of hurt. More likely to fall into a rage or jealousy fit. Losing your mind and control.

Santana's livid. She's angry with Quinn. The blonde hasn't answered any of her phone calls or text messages. The short message she received late last night being the only one her girlfriend bothered sending her.

Pouring herself a drink and downing it in one gulp Santana gets ready for Pucks party, choosing a tight fitting red dress, looking more dressed up than she usually does.

The brunettes knuckles turn white from the force of the grip she has on the sink, examining herself in the mirror.

Trying the control her temper and wiping away the tears that are pouring down her cheeks, the Latina downs another drink and then makes her way towards her car, starting the engine and driving off, alcohol running through her veins but not lessening the pain.

The party is packed with people, music blaring through the whole house.  
There's hardly any room left, people trying to make their way trough the crowd.

Santana's eyes land on Brittany, the blonde with a drink in hand and dancing with a jock.

"Britt," the Latina calls out, the alcohol slowly getting a hold of her.

"Britt, did you see Quinn?"

"Quinn? No, why?" the blonde asks, eyes darting around, searching for the hazel eyed blonde.

"Wait, there she is," Brittany points.

Quinn's talking to Puck, her body fully turned towards him and drink in hand, laughing animatedly at something the mohawked boy's saying.

Making her way towards Quinn, Santana's grabs her by her arm and drags her to an empty section of the house.

"What the hell, San?"

"What are you doing?" the Latina slurs, swaying slightly.

"Are you drunk?" the blonde asks incredulously, taking in the Latinas demeanor.

" . ." she demands, gritting through her teeth her voice dangerously low.

"I'm hanging out with friends. I'm not gonna do this right now Santana, so drop it."

Getting into a staring match, Quinn turns around to make her way back to the party, the Latina grabbing her arm but Quinn pulling away.

Losing her temper, Santana punches the wall besides her, her eyes catching Brittany's. The blonde sending her am sympathetic look to which Santana replies with a shrug of her shoulders in fake carelessness.

 _"Growing up, you will learn that reputation is everything, Quinnie. People have the power to tear you down but they also have the power to lift you up. Make you into something. If you have a bad reputation, Quinnie, then you're nothing," eyes focusing on a 12 year old Quinn, her mothers words imprinting her for the rest of her life.  
_

For the rest of the party Quinn avoids Santana. She keeps an eye on her but still, she's avoiding her girlfriend.

Brittany's been hanging on Santana the whole night, trying to control her drinking but failing miserably, the brunette pouring herself drink after drink.

Quinn's doesn't like it, an unsettling feeling weighing down on her lungs, making it harder to breathe.

 _What happens when you become the main source of her pain?_

It's a question the blondes been dealing with for a while now. She knows she should let the brunette go, knowing that she won't be able to come out. Not in the near future.  
 _  
Reputation is everything, Quinnie. Always remember that.  
_  
Her mothers voice haunting her every time she feels brave enough to face the consequences of her love.

She's not. She's not brave enough to come out, no matter how much she loves the brunette.  
And she does. She truly does love Santana. She loves the way the brunettes staring at her sometimes, losing herself in Quinn, not even realizing that she caught the blondes attention. She loves the way Santana's hands caress her naked body under thin sheets, even though she's deeply asleep, her hands seeking Quinn's warmth and presence at night, knowing she's right under her fingertips. She loves the way Santana's love feels. The purest form of love but still damaging them both.

How is it possible that the person that makes her feel like she's on top of the world, is the one that can take her down so much that she loses herself?

And she knows, _God she knows,_ she should let go of the brunette save them from further anguish but she can't. She's dying with and she's dying without Santana.

Averting her gaze from the brunette, who's downing her third shot in a row, she replies to something Puck has been telling her.

And she's disgusted by his advances. She's disgusted but scared and reputation is everything and God when does all of this just stop?

The moment Pucks hand connects with her lower back Quinn flinches slightly but the boy too drunk to realize smirks at Quinn's seemingly approve.

The moment Pucks slides his hand to Quinn's ass, a loud crash fills the room. Brittany holding a very angry Santana back, her arms circling around the brunettes waist and pulling her back.

The brunette is losing it, yelling a bunch of Latin words towards Puck, the boy not understanding the turn of events.

Puck tries to pull Quinn away to a more secluded area but the blonde won't bulge, her eyes solely fixing on Santana, deep brown and hazel eyes connecting.

And then it happens. The usually dumb boys eyes flashing with enlightenment, his jaw tensing and fists clenching.

The atmosphere is changing, causing Quinn to turn her head towards him.

"I'm so stupid," the boy starts.

"It's Santana. It's been Santana all this time," he states in disbelief, shaking his head.

"Puck it's not-"

"Isn't it Quinn?" the boy asks. "It hasn't been Santana all this time? You have no feelings for her?"

"No I don't," the blonde denies. Panic filling her nerves.

 _Reputation is everything Quinnie. What will people think of you. You'll be nothing.  
_  
Her mothers voice in her head won't stop. The faces of people who are going to judge her flashing before her eyes. If she admits, if she admits towards the world and herself that she's in love with a girl, her life will change. She'll lose everything. Her parents, her home, her reputation, the love of God.  
The voices in her head causing her to lean up and kiss the boy in a sudden outburst of fear, breaking away as fast as it happened. Stepping away from him, her own eyes wide open with shock. Turning around, eyes immediately search for the Latina but neither she nor Brittany are anywhere to be found.

"Oh my god," the blonde whispers out, her hands grabbing the nearest table keeping her legs from giving out.

"Fuck, fuck, fu-"

"-Quinn," Puck gets a hold of Quinn, taking the girl into his arms.

"No, don't touch me."

Quinn tries to push Puck away, the boy holding on to Quinn nevertheless, afraid she'll collapse.

"I have to find her Puck," Quinn struggles to breathe, her hands clutching the fabric of the boys shirt.

"I have to find her. Oh my God what did I do."

"Quinn, calm do-"

"No you don't understand," the blonde yells.

"I love her Puck. I'm in love with her so fucking much. I have to find her. Please."

"Quinn-" Puck tries to calm her down.

"Quinn look at me. We'll find her alright? I'll help you."

.

"San!"

"Santana!"

"Santana stop," Brittany yells out catching up to the brunette. Even tough Santana's drunk, she's pretty fast.

"Don't touch me."

"San please calm down."

"I said let fucking go off me Brittany," the brunette shouts out turning towards the blonde, stopping them both.

"San-"

"-don't. Ok? Just don't."

Brittany tries to reach out and wipe away the tears streaming down from deep brown orbs.

"This hurts," the Latina crumbles into Brittany's embrace, clutching the fabric of her shirt with both hands.

"This hurts Britt. Make it stop. Please I'm begging you please make it stop. I can't take this."

"Shhh San. Please calm down."

"Come on, I'll take you home," the blonde suggest after Santana calms down a little.

"I don't want to go home. No ones there."

Brittany's hesitates but takes Santana's hand in her own sending her a small smile.

"Alright then. You can sleep at mine."

.

Santana's quiet. Barely speaking, her eyes downcast.

"Here, you can wear these."

"Thanks," the brunette mutters and takes the pj's from Brittany, changing into them and settling down on the bed.

Once Brittany's changed too, she turns off the lights and lays down besides Santana.

"San," Brittany starts the moment she hears Santana's quiet sobs.

"Hey, look at me."

Santana shakes her head, burying her face deeper into her pillow, her sobs more recognizable know. The brunettes body shaking from the force.

Brittany turns Santana around, the brunettes eyes looking so very sad.

Leaning down, she starts to kiss the brunettes tears away, letting her lips linger and then capture plump lips.

"Brittany, I can't," Santana pushes her away softy but still determinedly.

"I'll make you feel better. I promise."  
Brittany leans down again to kiss the brunettes lips but is met with her cheek instead.

"I can't do this to Quinn," Santana breathes out but melting into Brittany's touch.

Brittany nuzzles Santana's neck, laying hot wet kisses wherever she can.

"I'll make you forget."

And in Santana's alcohol clouded brain and bruised heart, that's all they want. Forget Quinn. Forget Puck. Forget the pain.

So she gives into the touch, until clothes are scattered and moans are filling the air.

.

 _ **These zombies in the park they're looking for my heart**_

The last couple of days have been rough. The guilt eating away on Santana. She hasn't been able to sleep or eat properly, crying almost every minute of the day.

She knows she screwed this one up, massively. She knows Quinn will never forgive her for this, that she'll lose the blonde for good. The brunette never meant for this to happen. She just wanted to forget the pain she was feeling. She was drunk and hurt and just a mess herself and now, now she'll lose the best thing that's ever been hers.

The Latina has been ignoring the blonde and every attempt of her apologizing. Skipping school, turning her phone off completely, surrounding herself in the darkness of her room.

She's mad at Quinn nevertheless. She knows she's being a hypocrite because she has done way worse but she still can't shake off the feeling of anger from seeing Quinn kissing Puck.

Maybe that's where it's all supposed to end. Maybe they were a ticking time bomb, their time limited until the bomb blows up and destroys them both.

Or maybe Brittany really was their land mine.

And sometimes a wrong step makes the land mine go off destroying yourself as well as everyone around you but still, you're the one taking that certain step.

Santana knows that their love has ruined Quinn and herself in ways they'll never be able to explain.

Or maybe, just maybe, they have to lose them selfs, before they can't find each other again.

It's late at night, tears streaming down her face silently. She's so tired. Tired of life, tired of this pain, tired of being away from Quinn.

There's a rustling at the door. Santana hearing the door closing downstairs but thinking that it's probably one of her parents until the door to her room opens.

There Quinn stands, drenched from the storm going on outside, making the Latina sit up with shock.

They stay silent, no one moving even an inch until Quinn makes the first move.

Quinn's posture is tense, her steps towards Santana cautious and her voice small.

"Hey."

"What are you doing here, Quinn?"

"I umm," she starts swallowing hard. "I want to explain."

"Well I don't really need an explanation for _that_ now, do I?"

"I'm not brave enou-" she starts.

"I don't want to hear it Quinn," the Latina raises her voice.

It's a twisted situation. Santana knows she should forgive the blonde, given that she has done way worse but she can't. Her own mistake making her angrier and her anger being projected towards Quinn.

"I'm not brave enough but I want to be. For you," Quinn goes on nevertheless, taking a small step towards Santana, noticing the way the brunette is tensing with each step she takes closer.

"Quinn stop it."

"I love you. I love you and I'm afraid of losing you and if me coming out means that I'll get to keep you, I'll come out to everyone," Quinn takes a deep breath before carrying on, lifting her head to suppress the tears that are threatening to fall down uncontrollably.

"I came out to my parents."

"Oh my God please stop Quinn," the brunette whispers her eyes closing willing the tears away.

"I'll come out of it means that I'll get you," Quinn wants to carry on but stops once Santana releases a loud sob.

Rushing forward and taking the Latina in her arms, she holds on tightly to the brunette. Santana returning the embrace with as much force as Quinn's giving, burring her face in blonde locks and breathing her in.

"I'm so sorry Quinn. I'm so sorry I didn't mean it please I'm so sorry."

Removing the Latinas head from her neck and gazing into brown eyes the blonde asks, "what do you mean, San?"

Santana hesitates and opens her mouth to respond but closes it again, the words refusing to come out.

Closing her eyes and causing tears to spill down her cheeks, she shakes her head.

"San, you're scaring me. What's wrong baby?" Quinn's eyebrows knit together in concern.

"I slept with Brittany."  
 _  
Silence._ _  
_  
"N-no. No you didn't."

Santana stays quiet.

"No,no,no,no," the blonde disentangles herself from the brunette, shaking her head vehemently.

Quinn can hear her own heart shattering. Her heart beating out of rhythm, brokenly.

"Oh my god. I think I'm gonna throw up," Quinn exhales trying to leave the room, afraid what she'll do if she stays.

Have you ever been so angry, that you get afraid of your self?  
Afraid of the thoughts running trough your mind. Afraid of the way your palms are itching, what your capable off?

"Quinn-" Santana grabs her by the arm.

"Don't fucking touch me, you bitch," pushing the brunette away, hard enough for her to fall on the floor.

Santana's shocked, rising from the floor with shaky legs. Quinn's never been violent before, not even slightly.

Quinn flinches but stays put nevertheless, turning around to leave the room but changing her mind, turning around and showing Santana against the wall, her hands grabbing her throat but not squeezing.

Both girls eyes filling with tears, Quinn's face inches apart from Santana's, close enough for breaths to mix.

"Was it worth it, San? Was is worth destroying me for? Did you enjoy yourself while fucking her?" Quinn chokes out through relentless tears, her voice breaking.

"God, I can't breathe." Quinn struggles and leans against Santana.

"I'm so sorry," the brunette sobs out brokenly, over and over again.

"I'm so sorry Quinn. I love you. I'm so, so sorry."

"You don't love me. You never did. You don't know how to love and that's why they always leave you. Your parents, your abuela. You don't know how to love," Quinn spits with malice.

Santana's eyes go empty. It's a look Quinn will never be able to forget, no matter what.

They say you can read people through their eyes and right now, what she sees is something that will haunt her whenever she gazes into those deep brown eyes. Watching a part of someone dying, seeing the hurt you're causing.

Stumbling backwards and grabbing her keys Quinn leaves the room, Santana's look and sobs haunting her.

It's storming outside, the weather describing perfectly the events of the night.

Quinn's driving way over the legal speed limit, barely seeing the street through her tears and rain, as if God is trying to make her pull over the car and stop driving.

She has a tight grip on the starring wheel, her knuckles turning white.  
And it's like there are big flashing lights  
telling Quinn to stop the fucking car.

All of the lights trying to stop Quinn, blending her before something bad happens. Something that is irreversible.

Before she can, a big light takes her the sight, a loud crash filing Quinn's ears, the force of the impact spinning the car around until everything goes black.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: So, this is the final chapter. Law school is kicking my ass and I won't have time to write for a while but I still wanted to end this story. Thanks to everyone for sticking with me through this journey. It means a lot!** ****

 **Hope you guys enjoy the final chapter. Here we go.**

 _ **Life's too short to even care at all**_

 _"San?"_

 _"Hmm?"_

 _"Are you asleep?" the blonde whispers, not raising her voice. She wants to keep the silence of the night, her thoughts more clear in the darkness._

 _"Yes," the Latina grumbles but turns towards Quinn nevertheless causing the blonde to rest on her side as well, gazing into mesmerizing deep brown orbs that are heavy with sleep._ __

 _"What would your perfect life look like?"_

 _"My perfect life?" Santana asks slightly amused. "Where is this coming from in the middle of the night?"_

 _"I don't know," the blonde mutters._

 _"I was just thinking about it. Mine would probably be anywhere with you, you know?"_

 _Quinn feels vulnerable admitting this but she continues nevertheless. It's like she physically needs to tell the brunette, her thoughts refusing to keep quiet._

 _"I don't know. Like, it wouldn't matter to me where we were or what we'd have as long as I'd have you. We'd be happy. Living life the way we'd want. Loving life. I think we'd be happy."_

 _Santana keeps quiet through Quinn's rant, closing her eyes momentarily, imagining the world Quinn is building for them._

 _"I don't know. It probably sounds stupid-"_

 _"-shh," the Latina interrupts her. "Leave it there. It's perfect."_

 _Silence falls over them. Both girls minds running through their own thoughts, still facing each other until eyes get heavy and sleep falls over them._ __

 _Santana falling asleep to the thought that she can't imagine a world without Quinn._ __

.

 _ **I'm losing my mind losing my my losing control**_ __

"Hey, beautiful." Santana leans down to plant a soft kiss against Quinn's forehead, letting her lips linger. Quinn's skin feels different, it's more cold, the softness of the skin Santana loves so much changed, unusual for the brunettes hands and lips that are used to her skin. The beeping of the machines reminding Santana of the events that changed both of their life's.

Sitting down on the chair besides the bed Santana runs her hands through Quinn's hair, willing the blondes body to heat up and remind the blonde of her presence.

"I was at your home, you know. Packing you a bag. I know you'll want to change when you wake up."

"I uhm-" she starts but stops.

"I-I saw Judy. She let me into the house to pack you a bag."

"I know it hurts that they've been absent. I know it hurts you a lot, baby. But they love you, they just don't know how to show it."

Suppressing her tears and letting out a short laugh Santana continues. "I don't know how they couldn't love you. I don't think it's even humanly possible. I know I do. So much."

"Please Quinn," her voice breaks, leaning her head against Quinn's heart gently, the blondes rhythmic heartbeat silencing the beeping of the machines.

"Please baby, you have to wake up. I can't take this any longer, please. Don't punish me like this Quinn, I won't make it without you."

Kissing Quinn's lips softly, her tears falling on to the blonde she whispers, "you have to wake up."

Planting a last, wet kiss against lips that aren't reciprocating Santana's heart breaks more, the longer she has to wait to gaze into those hazel eyes she loves so much.

And she knows the nurse will check on Quinn soon. She has been here every day since the accident, the nurse practically having to throw her out of the hospital. And she tried to sneak in more than once, getting caught as soon as she falls asleep next to the blonde. Her father ordering them to not let her in past visiting hours, knowing Santana won't leave the blondes side at all.

The Latinas behavior has been worry-some.  
Going to school reluctantly and spending every free second she has with the unconscious blonde ever since the night he had to tell the brunette what happened.

 _"Mija," Carlos Lopez calls out, knocking on Santana's door softly._ __

 _"Sí," the Latina answers, opening the door and settling down on her bed again._ __

 _She's surprised of her fathers presence, who is usually working at this time of day._ __

 _"Mija," he starts. "We have to talk."_ __

 _"What about?"_

 _"It about Quinn," he replies, catching the brunettes full attention instantly._ __

 _"What about her?"_

 _"Santana," he starts but hesitates, knowing how much this will hurt the brunette and also knowing how severe the blondes injuries are, being her doctor._ __

 _Taking a deep breath he takes his daughters hands in his own, causing Santana to knit her eyebrows together in concern._

 _"Last night she's been in an accident. It's serious,baby."_ _  
_  
 _Once the words are out the Latina goes silent, fighting and struggling to shut out every emotion she has right now but failing miserably, clutching her fathers arms and breaking down._ _  
-_

 __Santana's angry. She's angry with life. She's angry with God for making the person she loves suffer like this. Angry with Quinn for punishing her like this. Angry with Quinn's parents for being such fuck ups. But most of all she's angry with her self. Angry for being the reason the blondes laying in this bed. Angry for hurting her so much, both physically and emotionally. Angry for destroying them both.

It's late in the evening, the sun settling down, illuminating the sky in a mix of red and yellow. She's walking home, lost in thought until she finds herself at Quinn's door, Judy disposing the empty wine bottles.

Catching sight of Santana she tries to make her way back home only for the Latina to rush forward before the older Fabray can close the door.

The Latina is not fast enough though, banging her hands against hard wood, calling for Judy to open up.

"She's your fucking daughter. What the hell is wrong with you," she calls out her fists banging against the door.

She's projecting her own anger towards Quinn's parents. The hurt and anguish she's been feeling and suppressing this whole time finally blowing up.

" You're supposed to visit her every day. You're supposed to be by her side, she's your  
daughter how can you be so heartless?"

"You're supposed to love her no matter what. You're supposed to never hurt her. How could you hurt her like this? Why are you hurting her like this?"Santana chokes, sliding down the door and struggling for air.

"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I never meant for this to happen," she whispers brokenly, lifting herself up and running away as fast as she can, as fast as her feet will take her.

.

"I have to admit something but you're not allowed to get mad at me Quinn."

"So, I've sneaked into your house last night. I just felt alone, you know?" she asks but goes on without waiting for an answer, knowing the blonde won't reply to any of them.

"I don't know, I guess I just wanted to be near you. Feel your warmth," she trails off.

"I- I found your journal. I didn't know it was a journal at first Quinn, I swear. I thought it was your sketchbook or something and I opened it," she rushes out.

"You never told me you're writing a journal."

Laughing lightly and shaking her head she continues.

"But I guess that's what journals are supposed to do. Keep quiet about your deepest, darkest thoughts."

"You're so smart Quinn." Santana breathes out astound, her eyes shining with affection and love.

"You have a delicate way of writing. Your perfect."

Kissing Quinn's pulse point she reaches down and takes out a small black journal.

"I hope you forgive me for reading it with you. If you get mad, it's okay too. As long as you allow me to gaze into your beautiful eyes again."

"To Santana: I hope one day, I'll be brave enough to give you this."

Turning the first page slowly and taking a deep breath the Latina starts to read out of Quinn's journal.  
 _  
May, 25th._

 _Santana and I had a fight. A huge one. We both screamed and started crying. She asked me when I would be ready to come out but I couldn't tell her. I couldn't because I'm afraid of coming out. I'm terrified because I'll lose everything and if she realizes how damaged I really am, she's going to leave me and I'll be alone and I'll have lost everything.  
I couldn't tell her that being with her hurts. God, it literally hurts everywhere, my whole body screams from pain but not being with her feels worse. It's worse because it feels a lot like dying._ _  
I just don't want her to leave me.  
I love her._

Wiping her tears away, she turns another page.

 _August, 5th._

 _I came out to my parents. I really did. I told them that I'm in love with Santana and of course they screamed. They told me that I'm a disgrace, that I lost the grace of God, well Russell mostly. Judy was just standing there, pouring herself another drink. He told me to pack my stuff an leave his house but I don't care. I feel free. I hope Santana forgives me for kissing Puck. I know I screwed this one up, but I'll explain it to her. I hope she forgives me._ __

 _I wrote her a poem I intend on giving her with this book together._

 _'MY OWN LITTLE CLOSET_

 _My own little closet, sometimes I hate you._

 _You imprison me in this small place,_

 _too small to live but too big to find my way out from._

 _My own little closet, why do you make me feel like I'm suffocating in a place I've created myself._

 _And why do you make me fear the presence of others when there's no one in there besides me and my thoughts._

 _My own little closet, sometimes I hate you because you provide me with the safety that helps me to go through life, without being looked at differently._

 _Giving me a place I can be myself even if I have only my own company to do so._

 _My own little closet, I want to break free from your firm grip and your friends, who help you keeping me in there._

 _Fear is not a friend to me as it is to you and he scares me._

 _My own little closet, the society helped me to biuld you around myself, even though I never wanted you, you're here.  
My own little closet, I want to love. I want to receive love and show love. To her._

 _My own little closet, today is the day I'm coming out.'_

 _I have to go and win her back._

 _Wish me luck because I don't think I can live without her love._

Santana has to stop, her tears making it impossible to keep reading. Laying down beside the blonde softy, making sure that there are no wires she's squishing, Santana envelops herself in Quinn's presence.

Burring her face in Quinn's neck and inhaling deeply she chokes out through tears, her breath hot and wet against Quinn, "this is too much Quinn. Please wake up. Don't punish me like this please. I'm dying, I don't want to live without you."

And she falls asleep on the blonde, sleep coming easier with her presence.

.

 _ **A dark world aches for a splash of the sun**_

"Quinn stop, it tickles," Santana grumbles out, rubbing her face against Quinn's chest.

"Baby, sto-" Santana yawns but sits up immediately, once realizing what is going on.

"Oh my god. Quinn!"

Quinn's eyes are fluttering, indicating that she's trying to open them. Her hands flexing.

"Oh my god," the brunette breathes out, tears forming in her eyes.

"That's it baby. Come back to me."

3 years, 26.298 hours, 1.577.847 minutes that's how long it took for the girls to admit that they are in love with each other. To taste the words of 'I loves you's' falling from each other's lips.

6 months, 4.383 hours, 262.975 minutes that's how long it took to make love to each other for the first time. To taste the person you love for the first time, the salty skin of her neck, the sweet taste of her nipple, the tangy taste of the most intimate part of her.

2 months, 1.461 hours, 87.659 minutes that's how long it took for Quinn to open her beautiful eyes.

And only one second for Santana to almost lose everything.

And then it happens, hazel eyes shining with life.

"San," Quinn whimpers, her hand seeking out Santana's contact.

The brunette not able to stop the tears from falling.

"Hey baby," Santana cries out with a smile on her face.

"I love you Quinn. I love you so much. I'll get the doctors, baby. They'll make you feel better."

"No," Quinn mutters tiredly. "Don't leave."

"I'm not leaving you. I will never leave you," Santana replies honestly. Getting up and alarming the nurses. Doctors rushing into Quinn's room, Santana father professionally telling her to wait outside.

Several agonizing minutes pass, Santana impatiently waiting outside, biting her nails and hoping they will end the examination soon so she can talk to her girlfriend.

The doctors are checking Quinns viral functions.

"So Ms. Fabray, do you feel any pain?"

"My head hurts but other than that I feel fine. Just tired," Quinn replies weekly.

The staff continuing their work.

"We have to check a few functions. Make radiographs and we'll have to-"

"-can I please see my girlfriend. _Please?_ " Quinn interrupts and asks teary eyed.

"I'm sorry Ms. Fabray but we'll have to check-"

"Doctor Lopez," Quinn turns towards her girlfriends father ignoring the refusal of the younger doctor, gazing deeply into his eyes, letting him read her and her feelings for his daughter. "Please, I just want to see my girlfriend."

"I think we can give Ms. Fabray a few hours to rest, given that we checked the most important vitals and that she seems fine," he states authoritatively, giving no place for discussion. Winking at Quinn he leaves the room, the other staff fallowing him and gives Santana the permission to go in.

The moment the Latina steps into the room times stops, the girls in their own world.

Santana's fists clench, standing a few feet away from Quinn's bed, trembling and crying.

She's quiet, letting her tears fall down, the events of the last several months catching up with her. The hurt, the anguish, the fear, the desperation she's been feeling ever since Quinn's accident.

"San-" the blonde whispers, her hand reaching out as much as she can in her weak state.

Santana shakes her head, closing her eyes tightly, her body shaking with the force of her sobs.

"Baby-" Quinn tries again, the Latinas behavior worrying her but not being able to stand up and comfort her.

The blondes angelic voice breaking Santana out of her reverie rushing forward and throwing herself in waiting arms.

"I'm so sorry," the brunette chokes out, sobs wrecking her body and causing Quinn to hold on tighter.

"I thought I lost you. God, it hurt Quinn. It hurts, I'm so sorry. I love you please forgive me."

"I love you too," the blonde breathes out against the shell of Santana's ear, closing her eyes and living the moment, knowing how short life can be.

And she knows, they both hurt each other. Knows that they both made mistakes. But they're young and stupid and insecurities and fears have a hold at them that is causing them to do reckless things. But hopefully both girls are able to forgive each other for what they have done, refusing to let those missteps destroy each other.

Pressing her lips against the blondes neck and feeling the heat she's been missing this whole time she drags her lips upwards, planting light kisses on her way until she's claiming those pinky lips she loves so much and the very same lips finally reciprocating.

Dragging her fingertips along the skin of Santana's neck the blonde breaks the kiss but let's her lips linger against Santana's nevertheless.

"So soft," she breathes out, opening her eyes. "How can you be so soft?"

They lay at their sides, hands wandering innocently, looking into each other's eyes and pecking each other's lips.

"You tired, baby?" Santana asks after Quinn releases a long yawn.

"Mhm," the blonde nods, her eyes closing involuntarily, falling into a deep slumber.

Santana stays awake, watching the up and down of Quinn's chest, noting the rosy color of her cheeks, feeling her body heat next to hers. Softly, to not wake the blonde, she lays her head on Quinn's chest, listening to her heartbeat making sure she's alive, praying for every God above that this isn't just a cruel dream.

Closing her eyes and enjoying the first peaceful moment in a long time.

.

"So Baby, you ready to leave?"

"God, yes. I can't wait to be out of this room," the blonde replies honestly but avoids eye contact with the brunette.

Santana visited Quinn, before she had to go to school, enjoying a cuddle session with her girlfriend before she had to leave her for a few hours.

They spent the morning in each other's presence, enjoying each other's company and talking about the things they'll do once they're out these doors, Santana promising Quinn a long, hot bath.

That's why Quinn's distance is weird now. In the morning she was happy to leave the hospital and excited but now she's quiet and repellent.

"Okay, careful." Santana lowers cautiously Quinn in to the wheelchair, happy to get Quinn out of this hospital.

The car ride to Santana's is quiet. Quinn gazing out of the window, half way through the ride taking Santana's hand in her own but staying quiet.

After Quinn came out to her parents, her father kicked her out and for the Latina there was never a discussion on where the blonde will live now.  
Knowing that she's herself would never allow Quinn to live on her own, she decided that for the last couple of months of school before graduation Quinn will live with her.

Lowering Quinn gently on to her bed, the Latina turns around to leave the room and let Quinn rest knowing that her medication will kick in soon, but the blondes voice stops her in her tracks.

"Brittany came by today."

Santana is stunned.

"Quinn, I-"

"No," the blonde interrupts. "I'm not saying this to pick a fight with you or for you to apologize. I just, I know I hurt you with Puck and denying you. I was-" she takes a deep breath, tears gathering in the corner of her eyes, the Latina hanging on every word leaning against the wall for support.

"I was scared. I thought loving you would make me lose the love of God, that loving you would make me a sinner. But it didn't. You know why, San? Because God put you in my way. Maybe you're my saint."

"Quinn," the Latina breathes out, a single tear rolling down her cheek. It's like that's been all they have been doing these last few months. Crying and hurting each other.

"But you hurt me too. We both have done and said hurtful things but I'm so tired of this San. I don't want to do this anymore. I _can't_ do this anymore."

"I will love you till you hurt no more, Quinn. Can we please start over," she chokes out. "I won't survive losing you again."

"Come here," Quinn reaches out for the Latinas hands, pulling her towards the bed and enveloping her in a tight embrace, letting the brunette burry her face in her neck and cry silently. "Clean slate, San."

"Clean slate," the Latina repeats, sniffling slightly.

They stay like this for a while.

"How about the bath you promised me?" the blonde smacks Santana's ass lightly, letting out an amused laugh, causing the brunette to lean up and kiss her lips softly and giggling against them.

Tugging Quinn towards the bathroom and undressing her slowly the brunette appreciates the blondes body causing her to swallow hard, overcome with desire but knowing they can't for a few more weeks.

Turning around and filling the bathtub with bathing oil she turns off the water and steps aside, indicating the blonde that the water is ready only for the hazel eyed girl to shake her head and smile mischievously.

"Take one with me?"

"Quinn, I don't think I'll be able to control myself," Santana replies blushing slightly.

Quinn takes a step towards her girlfriend, taking the brunettes hands in her own and running them over her boobs, squeezing the Latinas hands, causing herself to let out a soft gasps.

"Then don't," she breathes against full lips. "I just want to feel you next to me."

"Okay," the Latina leans forward and captures Quinn's lips in a needy kiss, her tongue seeking entrance which the blonde immediately grants, moaning at the first stroke of her tongue, letting Quinn's hand roam over her body and take off her clothes on their wake.

Once goosebumps erupt on their bodies Santana breaks the kiss and lowers herself in to the bathtub, Quinn settling between her legs, her back pressed against the brunettes front.

Quinn rests her head sideways on the brunettes chest, kissing the available skin, rubbing her head against her chest.

"So soft," she mutters.

Santana instead drags the tips of her fingers down the blondes abs, letting her lips linger against her temple.

With time, Quinn's body gets heavier in the brunettes embrace, her medication getting slowly a hold of her.

Kissing pink lips, the Latina whispers against her ear. "Let's get out baby."

"Mhm," the blonde replies, barely able to open her eyes.

Once out the Latina sits Quinn down on the bench, grabbing the fluffiest towel and wrapping it around her girlfriend before grabbing one for herself.

Settling the only half awake Quinn down in her bed, she reaches out for the pj's next to her, dressing Quinn lovingly. The blondes arms wrapping around her waist, refusing to let the brunette go.

Quinn's whining and whimpering, fighting sleep off until she's with Santana and only after the brunettes envelops her in a tight embrace, the blonde sighs and falls into a deep sleep.

.

"Ugh _. Please_ ," Quinn breathes out, arching her back.

Santana merely chuckles and takes a pink nipple into her mouth, sucking and liking it softly. Her other hand travels down the blondes body until she is met with wet slick heat. Her fingertips dragging through the girls folds causing Quinn to dig her nails in to Santana back.

Panting and struggling to control her breathing she tries to push those delicate fingers in to her, the brunette giggling and biting down on her nipple.

The throbbing between their legs increasing making it almost impossible to draw out this any longer.  
Santana grinds down on one of Quinn's legs, rubbing her wetness all over Quinn.

"I need you", the blonde chokes out.

Santana not having the strength to deny the blonde any longer slowly pushes her long fingers into Quinn, stretching her around them.

The blonde lets out a long moan, arching uncontrollably.

Thrusting lazily at first but picking up on speed, sweaty bodies rubbing against each other, Quinn pushes two fingers of her own into Santana, the Latina momentarily forgetting how to breathe.

"Slow. Slow. Slow," Quinn whispers out once she feels her orgasm building but not ready to let it end just yet, trying to prolong the inventible.

And the Latina slows down, biting down on Quinn's neck, soothing it with the flat of her tongue.

"Baby," it's Santana that's struggling now, begging Quinn to let go, allow themselves to cum and the blonde does, thrusting hard into Santana causing the brunette to fall over the edge, pressing herself and her fingers against Quinn, taking the blonde with her into bliss.

After catching their breaths, the blonde pulls out gazing deeply into Santana's eyes and taking her cum dripping digits into her mouth, moaning at the taste that is distinctly Santana, licking them clean.

Santana licks her own lips, mesmerized by the blonde, her fingers starting to play with the blondes nipples again.

Deciding that she gave the blonde enough time to recover, she kisses down the valley of her breasts, her stomach and finally the girls cum dripping center, licking her way up from the girls folds to her clit until moans are filling the air.

.

School is almost over and even though Quinn missed two months of school she had more than enough points to graduate.

"So baby, I made my decision," Quinn nudges Santana.

It's been a topic they only discussed once, afraid of having to live a long distance relationship.

"Oh, you did?"

Quinn nods.

"Which uh- which college did you choose?" Santana asks, her eyes flashing with fear.

"Columbia," Quinn answers, a little smile playing on her face.

Santana closes her eyes, revealed but also concerned that the blonde is making the wrong decision.

"Quinn," she breathes out. "They pay only half your tuition. You have a full scholarship to-" she wants to elaborate but is caught off by soft lips.

"I want to be with you. I'll get a job at the library or something. I don't care, I'll find something. That's it, okay? We're it."

"Okay," Santana breathes against Quinn's lips, the joy of graduating and leaving Lima behind more strong now, knowing that she won't have to leave her girlfriend behind.

.

"I'm scared," Quinn admits, squeezing the Latinas hand, eying the door skeptically.

"I know," Santana glances sideways at Quinn. In comparison to her, Santana's angry. Angry that the blonde has to have such people as her parents. People who will manipulate you to get their own way, not knowing what love is and how to show any form of affection. Santana's angry because of the hurt they caused the girl she deeply loves, branding her for a lifetime. And maybe her own parents aren't better than Quinn's but at least there was a time when her parents taught her love and happiness.

"But I'll be here, no matter what."

Quinn kisses the back of Santana's hand to thank her silently, before taking a deep breath and knocking on the door.

It shouldn't feel like this. This house should feel like her safe place, not a small cage. It shouldn't contain so many memories of anger and hurt. These walls shouldn't be yelling, these water sprays shouldn't be alcohol. This house should be a symbolism of love, not hatred.

"Quinnie," Judy opens the door, surprised of her daughters presence. "What are you doing here?"

"Don't worry," Quinn replies evenly. "I'll be out in a few minutes again. For good. I just need to pack my stuff."

Judy Fabray nods solemnly, stepping aside and letting both girls in, noting the lovers clasped hands.

"How are you feeling?" Judy asks.

Santana wants to blow up. She wants to scream and punch the living shit out of this women. Her daughter has been in a coma for 2 months and she never, not even once visited her and now she has the audacity to ask a question she has no right in knowing.

Sensing the Latinas distress and her out of anger shaking hands, the blonde just answers with a short, sarcasm dripping "awesome", before rushing up the stairs to her room.

"What do you want to take with you."

"Uh, just my clothes, pictures and books. That's pretty much it," the blonde replies. She doesn't want to spend any more time than she really has to in this house.

Wrapping up her stuff, the girls finish their mission in under a hour.

"Okay, you ready?"

"God," Quinn breathes out. "yes. I can't wait to leave this house behind."

"Let's go then," Santana kisses Quinn's check lightly before descending the stairs.

They're almost out the door when Judy's voice stop them in their tracks.

"I will change. For you."

Blinking rapidly and turning slowly towards her mother, Quinn gazes into her mothers eyes, trying to figure out if this is just one of her drunken rants or if, for the first time, she really means what she says.

Halting the gaze the blonde figures that her mother is indeed sober, at least for the moment.

"Change for yourself," she turns around to walk out the door but hesitates before turning around.

"But I really hope you do," she whispers out before leaving the house. 

Months later, Judy Fabray reaches out to Quinn, asking for forgiveness and claiming that she is sober after checking herself into rehab, willing to repair their relationship and get to know her girlfriend, now that she divorced Russell.

And weeks after nights of crying herself to sleep, to the warmth of her girlfriends comforting embrace, she agrees to meet her mother.

.

Only a few days later after graduation they open the door to their apartment in New York.

"Welcome home," the Latina grins cheekily stepping in to their apartment.

"Home is wherever I'm with you," the blonde whispers against the shell of Santana's ear her breath thick and hot, embracing the Latina from behind and kicking the door close with one of her legs.

"I love you."

"And I love you," Quinn presses wet kisses down Santana's neck, sucking on her skin causing the brunette to whimper.

"I think we should inaugurate our new home."

"Oh we should?" the Latina teases. "How so?"

"Sex."

"God Quinn," the brunette moans out, arching her back in to Quinn's touch, the blondes long fingers teasing her nipples through the layers of fabric.

"We don't even have a bed," she chokes out.

"A wall is enough," Quinn moans out, unable to deny herself the brunettes sweet taste any longer, losing and finding them self in each other, over and over again.

And they do. They lose and find each other; they fight and they make up, they yell at each other and whisper words of affection against each other's lips.

It takes months to heal but they do. Finally living the life they deserve.

END


End file.
